I woke this morning very disorientated and upset, I was relieved to be awake, once I realised I had just been having a nightmare – and it wasn’t reality!
Its thrown me all day, brought on emotions and thoughts I don’t have very often to be honest. I tend to keep an open, opportunistic approach to life…but today I feel very very weird.
My life is a maze all of a sudden and I feel lost, I wonder if these are thoughts and emotions that play in the background of my mind, and if this dream has brought my fears to the surface. We all have days where we feel down, and against the world I know, and I do believe they are good for you – especially if you can gain something from it all and then shake it off.
Lately I have been getting a lot of pressure from family, friends and co-workers to be in a relationship. I have had friends, and in particular male friends tell me I am so understanding and easy to talk to, why don’t I have a man in my life? My mother asked me the other night why do I have all these male friends and ones I have known for years yet I don’t have a boyfriend? I have girlfriends who ask do I have a current love interest and pull a puzzled face when the answer is a firm no, nothing even close. I wonder if its other peoples expectations of my life that has given this ‘idea’ to them that I must have a man and must be in a relationship?
Do you want to now my answer to them all?
I don’t want to be in a relationship because I am lonely, sad, horny, or bored. I want to be in a relationship because the other person is awesome! To me anything less makes no sense. I’d like to think Ive learned a thing or two about men and relationships, and quite honestly some men have their head screwed on…they just don’t realise it or let you know! Analyzing how this ‘potential’ in front of you fits in your life. If I don’t see someone in front of me as more than today, I'm not interested, not even in a pash…as nice as sucking face can be and the amazing chemical rush one gets from such a little act, I want more then that – I’d rather have a secret little fantasy then use anyone as a fling of any kind.
I feel caught in the middle of whats in front of me, what everyone else expects of me and what I really want in my future lately.
Not in regards to relationships and men, I never worry much about that stuff. More everyone around me is thinking that, when I'm busy thinking about living, where I really want to be, how to run my life how I envision it and so on. I'm reasonably good at attaining what I want in life, but its not so easy if I feel lost without a clear direction…I think that’s me at this point in time. There are so many options, I just feel like grabbing a bottle of wine and forgetting it all…then I remember that wont actually help anything, it just tastes good and makes me forget a little, but only for a teansy bit, not actually helpful, just yummy and fun….which I have no troubles with, just stupid reality doesn’t seem to go away on something’s and I feel this is one of them. So I ask myself…what am I going to take away from this day, these feelings and what is going on around me? Was last night just a nightmare or a lesson?
I actually am in the middle of making some potentially big life changing plans, maybe I really am bringing things to the surface? I do feel like a glass of wine wont hurt me to help figure things out tonight at least…or a nice big workout, both such different things, yet give me similar mental results, funny that…maybe I need to see the good in that contrast and go from there….
